"I have studied many times
The marble which was chiseled for me-
A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.
In truth it pictures not my destination
But my life.
For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment;
Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;
Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.
Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.
And now I know that we must lift the sail
And catch the winds of destiny
Wherever they drive the boat.
To put meaning in one's life may end in madness,
But life without meaning is the torture
Of restlessness and vague desire-
It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid."
- George Gray, Spoon River Anthology, Edgar Lee Masters
After my first two classes, I tromped back in the cold weather to my dorm, exhausted. The effects of the past couple sleepless nights were starting to get to me and I knew I needed to rest if I did not want to become ill. “I can’t get sick again, I can’t,” I thought as my boots clicked up the stairs and I swung a right into my suite. My roommate was in the room, typing up a paper, but that didn’t bother me; the clicking of her fingers flying across the keyboard would only lull me to sleep. After pealing off the woolen scarf and coat, I fell into my bed and glanced out the window at the heavy gray clouds, thinking that their darkness cast a strange whitewash on the world. I fell into a deep hibernation.
I can’t possibly explain the terrors I saw in those dreams. Some of them still burn in my mind and are so horrific, so inexplicable, that to try to write them down would be inane. But I must try to explain the unfathomable. I must, if I wish to get them out of my head.
So I will let them bleed from my brain through my fingers.
When I explained to Sam and Jake that I saw the embodiment of evil in the form of a woman, Sam told me there was a song about that and that her name was Maria. So, since I have no other name for her, I have decided to settle for this. I saw chaos erupt in the streets when she emerged, people trying to flee from her watchful gaze. It was important to not be killed by Maria: if you were unfortunate enough to die by her hand, you went straight to Hell. It didn’t matter who you worshipped or what you believed.
I saw people smashed to death. People burn to death. People shot and killed. People whose faces melted off.
People who were overtaken by thousands of rabid rats. Their screams still echo in my mind as they died a slow, poisoned death.
One man tried to escape by getting inside the cab of a semi-truck. It was not enough. Whether by his own will in a moment of panic or by Maria’s hand, I watched as he ran over a woman, her children, and an old man. They were all helpless. Godless. Fearful.
The truck then folded in on itself and the man was crushed to death.
In another scene from my dream, Maria found what she had been looking for - the other half of her being, the goodness she lacked. For a moment, the terror ceased and I watched in amazement as both women transformed. They appeared as though they had been painted with an opaque white, their bodies becoming a blank canvas. Then bright colors began to emerge from their chalky flesh, colors that moved and changed with a continuous fluidity. I felt like I should not be watching this reunion. I felt like I was desecrating something holy. Maria looked so relieved and happy to find this long lost twin, and reached out to touch her. But she was dying. All the goodness and light was dying. The colors on Maria’s face changed to a bright blue and warped into two large, unblinking eyes that stared out from behind her own dark eyes for a brief moment before slowly moving apart and melding into the colors on her throat and collarbones and arms until they were gone. Maria watched in anger as her sister died. I was afraid.
Afraid that only darkness and evil remained. Afraid of what it was capable of.
I do not remember anymore of this dream.
When I woke up, I was disoriented and I felt as though I had been asleep for days. It was like waking from a coma. My head hurt and I felt a darkness within me. Maria was there, showing me that the world is not a beautiful place.
I am scared to fall asleep. I am afraid to see the face of Maria in my dreams.
