"The great blessing of mankind are within us and within our reach; but we shut our eyes, and like people in the dark, we fall foul upon the very thing we search for, without finding it."
- Seneca
wearing. riding boots, dark blue skirt with red posies, & a white ruffle shirt.
hair. clean and down.
make-up. as always.
eating. peanut m&ms.
drinking. water.
thinking. about the old days & that i really want to hang out with kevin soon.
feeling. old.
talking to. no one at the moment.
listening to. dr. lee's lecture on the church.
watching. lee's powerpoint & my computer screen.
loving. that i finally have an amazing boyfriend.
wanting. it to be next weekend... disneyland!
hating. music theory.
waiting for. this class to be over.
situation. bored out of my mind & procrastinating on classwork.
So I was browsing my old livejournal and found an interesting entry. I know it's kind of emo, but I quite like it. I wrote it when I was going through a difficult time in 2007, so don't be too critical:
I sit here alone in the darkness, reveling in the silence accompanied by it, and clutch the broken pieces of what once was my existence. My entire world was ruthlessly smashed to pieces today by one, single name and here my body, this dead and empty corpse, clutches onto each individual piece, afraid to let go. After all, what would happen if I did? Such a fragile utopia was never meant to be. God was never meant to create something so beautiful to have it warped into a hideous offering to the occult where feral shadows dance lewdly about a blazing inferno. No, I cannot blame this on God, for it was by my own naïve games of make believe that this creature morphed from the very depths of my soul and came into being. So what happens now? I am dead. What life I had is a faint heartbeat in my hand, slowing as it loses the will to carry on. My thoughts race from what was a perfect past to my downfall over and over like a record caught on a thread. As the pace of the memories quicken, the thread begins to bleed a dark sanguine which seeps from within in a shrill cry of despair. The viscous liquid is heavily drawn from my very core, the weight hardly bearable as the horrific and fantastical process of emptying this decaying body commences. A war drum steadily beats against the back of my eyes, reverberating through my skull so this empty husk of a human will understand that I have lived for nothing and that my reality was a complete joke. Until the day that this body dissolves into the dust from whence it came, I will continue to sit here, wishing that I could have known the truth. One, glittering star has fallen from Heaven today, plummeting headfirst into the martial earth with a crude awakening.
It's been a while since I've written anything creatively, so hopefully I'll find some time within the next couple weeks to start something. Anything, at this point.
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